Stuck in the 1990`s songs

“I`ll be loving you ooh forever,
Deep inside my heart you`ll live me never. Even if you took my heart, and tore it apart,
I will love you still… Forever.”

If you know that song we`re probably of the same age-bracket. This was sung by Damage, a national anthem when I was in grade six.

I guess my music soul has been stuck to the 1990`s and early 2000`s. I couldn`t get myself to enjoy the new songs nowadays. I can not relate anymore to songs of One Direction, Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran (Duh, maybe because I`m old and outdated already, that`s why). But play the songs of Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, and Eminem, my blood would immediately pump up. Oh I could still rap and do rock songs of Linkin` Park. I could still sing my heart out to the songs of Westlife. But ultimately, I am a hard core Backstreet girl, haha! Too bad, I wasn`t able to watch their concert last year. But they would still remain in my heart, forver and ever.

So yesterday, I played all the hit songs of the 1990`s and early 2000`s. And my, I had a great day. I have forgotten the power of music to give me an upbeat mood. I will keep on doing it again and again. The songs get me hyped up.

“I`ll lose myself to the music the moment I own it, I better never let it go. I`ll only have one shot, do not, miss this chance to blow, cos opportunity comes once in a lifetime. You better!”

So yeah I missed hearing the songs from these singers:

Boyzone
N Sync
Tina Arena
Avril Lavigne
S Club 7
911
98 Degrees
Christina Aguilera
Hanson
Natalie Imbruglia
M2M
50 Cents
TLC
Savage Garden
Nelly Furtado
Jennifer Lopez
Six Pence None The Richer
Aqua
Evanescence

And the list goes on….

Broken hearted husbands

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For the past several weeks, I`ve been receiving FB messages and emails from husbands having a problem with their wives, who have fallen for somebody else. They felt so hopeless and helpless as they seek help from me. They would even want me to talk to their wives and would even give me the names on Facebook so I could talk to them. The problem is, as much as I really wanted to help them out, I don`t know if I can do that. I couldn`t pop into their wives` inboxes, introduce myself, and say, “hey, your husband messaged me. I hear that you`re having some marital problem. He seemed distraught on what you both are going through. Do you want someone to talk with?” Ugh! I`m not sure if I can do that or if that is even appropriate.

Anyway, I don`t know what these events are telling me. Should I start learning how to coach husbands on how to win back their wives? Because that`s what I do with other wives whose husbands are falling away. In the past years, I`ve spent more time learning about my husband`s and men`s psyche in relationships than studying female`s psychology.

My marriage blog, Marriage Hour, has always been written for women. And around the last quarter last year, a husband messaged me telling me that not only women are experiencing problems such as infidelity and emotional abuse, but men as well. He`s actually right. And his message got me thinking whether I should continue to blog with only women in my mind or I include men too. Then the past several weeks happened, when most of my messages came from distraught husbands. I guess this an answer to my question. An answer that I`m reluctant to address as that would require me to get out of my comfort zone. Plus, I am uncertain of the wives` side.

I`ll probably wait and see more what could happen.

Loving my wounded, infant self

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You have probably heard that the emotions of a pregnant mother affect her baby. That`s why it`s quite common to hear people advise expecting mothers: “try not to be stressed,” “be happy always,” “don`t let your problems affect you.” And on and on their well-meaning advice goes. Yet we just took this grain of truth as a fact without knowing how it`s really happening. In the words of Judith Anodea, an American psychologist and author on body-mind integration, this is how she described how it happens biologically and psychologically:

“For the developing fetus, the uterus is the first experience of body, the first home and environment, and the ground of being from which life emerges. The mother’s nutritional balance and her emotional states during pregnancy play a role in the texture of the child’s personal ground. When the womb is tight, the infant learns to contract her own body. When the mother is afraid or tense, chemicals flow through the uterine environment, stimulating a level of heightened energy that becomes a normal baseline state for the fetus inside. If the mother uses substances like tobacco, alcohol, or drugs, the child inside uses them too.”

Reading these words has enlightened me on what has probably happened when I was still forming. In my post here, I shared my experience of anxiety, fear, and worry, and how I learned about my infancy woundings.

My conception was unexpected, unwanted even. My mother, who was 19 years old by then, wasn`t prepared to have me. She didn`t even want me at first. Come my birth, my father decided that I stay in the hospital`s nursery because I was too small. He was also worried that my mom wouldn`t be able to take care of me. But according to my mom, she visited me everday. So that made me an incubator baby. Taking from Anodea again:

“Incubator babies are deprived of the mother’s touching and suckling. Seeing loving faces through glass without being touched is disembodying. Adults who were incubator babies may have a tendency to view their lives as surreal and put up with distant relationships without knowing how to bring them closer. There is a vague sense that something is missing from life, but they are unable to grasp what it is. Isolation feels normal and is therefore too easily accepted; they are missing the experience of safety and bonding, and therefore solid contact with their own body.”

As I have shared, I discovered from the Reparenting the Child Within (RCW) seminar that I have a wounding during my infancy. But after reading the book by Judith Anodea, it all made sense to me. I then took seriously to take steps in healing and reparenting my inner infant.

As part of the healing process, I did activities as advised by Anodea and by the facilitators of RCW seminar. Basically, the suggestion is to do activities that will connect me to my body like massage, working out, dancing, etc. So for a few weeks, I have been religously doing a zumba dance workout, alternating it with shibashi movements. I have yet to try yoga. Another thing that I`m doing is applying lotion on my skin. I am very lazy to do this, and I can only count with my fingers the times when my skin has tasted lotion. And just last week, I bought myself and my daughter bottles of lotion.

As for the reparenting process, the essence is for your present, adult self to act as a loving parent to your inner child. So there was one night when I recounted a certain event which has been bothering me. When I silenced my mind and try to listen to my body, I felt a pain in a small area on my chest. I felt small and powerless. While lying on our bed on my right shoulder, I followed what my body wanted to do, and it crumpled into a fetal position. So that was my infant self, or should I say fetal self, who is feeling very small and powerless.

I don`t know if my mom sung to me or read me a story while I was still in her womb, but during that night, when my loved ones were in deep slumber, I mentally sung lullabies to my infant self, the way I did with my daughter when I was pregnant. I even told my infant self a story about David and Goliath. After the mental reading and singing, I hugged my knees toward myself so tightly, a symbolism of hugging my infant self. I reaasured this inner infant of mine saying, “I love you, I am so excited that you are here. You are loved. You are wanted.”

When I was a few months old, my parents kept on telling me that I always wanted to be held and carried, that I would always cry whenever they put me down. I`m happy hearing from them that they have took turns in carrying me in their arms and that they didn`t left me crying out, just like what happened to my husband when he was a baby. Yes, he has his own woundings too, he knows that, but that`s another story.

I don`t know when can I fully heal my infant self, or when can I fully conquer my anxious, fearful, worry-wart self. Will it ever go away? Or will I live forever adapting to this? But as what my group psychotherapy professor said, “life isn`t perfect, the world we live in isn`t perfect.” So I guess, it doesn`t matter whether I conquer this anxious part or infant part of me or not, what matters is that I accept and love it as an integral part of me.

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Our Rainforest trips

I`m so glad that there is a nature park in the heart of Pasig that is just a tricycle away from us. Even without our daddy driving for us, Yesha and I can go there any day and any time we like. It made it easy for us to visit the park at least twice a month as part of our homeschooling lifestyle.

If you are planning to visit and would just stroll within the Rainforest, then you need not pay any entrance fee. However, if you want to experience their amenities like the swimming pool, boating lagoon, etc., then each amenity has a corresponding entrance fee which you need to pay. You can find the rates and prices of their facilities and amenities at the end of this post. To add, if you`re a Pasigueno, remember to bring your ID so you can avail the rates for Pasig residents.

To share, here are the areas that Yesha and I have visited:

Boating Lagoon
Price for Pasiguenos: 50php
Price for non-Pasiguenos: 50php

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I so enjoyed the peace and quietness I got from gazing at a body of water, may it be a pond, a river, or a sea. And here in the boating lagoon of the Rainforest, I experienced just that. It was like a haven for me.

During our time of boating here, there were a total of four boats available for rent, making the pond spacious enough to navigate. It was only me and Yesha who went here so the boat given to us has a pedal.

 

Butterfly House
Price for Pasiguenos: 20php
Price for non-Pasiguenos: 30php

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The view inside the butterfly house gate is really nice, they had a waterfall inside which makes a good photo taking spot. There were not many butterflies in the house itself, but Yesha was able to chase a few of the butterflies.

 

Kiddie playground
Rate: Free

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What I like about the playground is that it`s free. This is where Yesha and I frequent whenever we go here. There`s not much kids here during weekdays, but during holiday and weekends, the playground is teeming with kids.

 

Mini-zoo
Price for Pasiguenos: 20pho
Price for non-Pasiguenos: 30php

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Mini as it is, I appreciated the zoo despite having visited Avilon and Singapore Zoo. It`s probably because Yesha enjoyed feeding the goats, going near a sheep, and playing chase with the ducks. Another thing is that it`s filled with trees, perfect to give me peace and quitness that I`m looking for. They had this petting area housing the goats, ducks, rabbits, and other type of animals. As a mini zoo, they have a limited animals of course, but you can see an ostrich there.

Maze

Pasiguenos & Non-Pasiguenos: 10php

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I must have underestimated the maze as I overheard one visitor saying that only kids get lost here. I`m poor in direction and navigation, that`s why it took us a long time to find our way back to the entrance. But despite that, it was enjoying to let Yesha lead me and do her problem solving skills.

Train

Pasiguenos: 20php Non-Pasiguenos: 30php

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Unfortunately, when we decided to ride the train, the train was not working. We`ll surely go back here and avail the train ride next time.

Amenities Rates and Prices

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How to do BJ in the bathroom

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I must confess. After six years of being married and living in our house, today was the very first time that I did a BJ in the bathroom.

BJ, by the way, means Big Job. It`s another term used for general cleaning, spring cleaning, deep cleaning or anything you want to call it, so long as we mean the same thing. I didn`t make it up, it was Jan Dougherty, the author of The Lost Art of Housecleaning, who coined the term. It was so amusing the way she used it that even my husband had to tell me, “I`ve got to disturb your BJ!”

So anyway, this post goes to family women like me who are overwhelmed with general cleaning of their bathroom, who don`t know where to start, who don`t know what products to use. Adopting what Jan taught in her book, here`s how I did the BJ in our bathroom.

Products I used

Jan Dougherty only uses Krud Kutter, white vinegar, and Soft Scrub with Bleach in her cleaning regimen. How I wish those brands are available here so I don`t need to purchase any more cleaning products. But since I don`t know where to get the brands she`s using, I have to make do with the locally available brands. And so I searched online for the effective products offered in the market. After reading the Girltalk forum, I learned that several women swear by Mr. Muscle Molds and Grout Cleaner in cleaning the molds in their bathroom. So that`s what I bought. And true enough, it cleared our already darkening tiles.

So here are the things I used in cleaning our bathroom.

– Mr. Muscle Molds and Grout Cleaner (for the tiles)
– Mr. Muscle tiles cleaner (for countertop and mirror)
– Vinegar-Alcohol-Water Solution (after cleaning with Mr Muscle tiles cleaner for countertop and mirror)
– Microfiber rag (for countertop and sink)
– Small toothbrush (for corners and grouts)
– Gloves and mask (Mr. Muscles Molds and Grout Cleaner is too strong a solution you need to protect your hands).
– Lysol for the toilet
– Scoth Brite with sponge
– Scoth Brite wire gauze (I used this for erasing the toilet ring instead of the pumice stone that Jan was suggesting. I couldn`t find a pumice stone in any of the store I went to).

General instructions:

1. Prepare all the cleaning solutions and materials that you need to use.
2. Empty your bathroom by taking out all the toiletries, detachable wall fixtures, laundry basket, cosmetic pouches, trash can, as in everything that you could take out except the stuff in your drawers and cabinets. Those can be dealt for another day.
3. When your bathroon is all cleared up from any obstructions, you may start cleaning up all the cobwebs on the ceiling and walls using a vacuum or broom. In our case, since we don`t have a vacuum, I used a broom instead.
4. Now you are ready to scrub your bathroom tiles. But if you`re going to use a strong cleaning solution such as Mr. Muscles Molds and Grout cleaner you might want to wear a pair of gloves to protect your hands. However, if you`re using a natural product, you may forego this step. And as a side note, you must have a different pair of gloves for your walls/floor and for your toilet.
5. Starting from top to bottom, going around the bathroom, and eventually ending at the sink, use your cleaning solution and sponge/scrub to clean the tiled surfaces, bathtub, and toilet.
6. While cleaning, use the slice and clean approach in scrubbing. For example I focused on the 3×3 tiles on the wall/floor at a time. That way, I`d be able to clean this small area thoroughly.
7. Now when you reach the toilet, you may want to follow the instruction for deep cleaning here.
8. At this point, you have already cleaned the walls, floors, tub, and toilet. Now, you will be ending your BJ at the sink. What I did was I sprayed the counter and sink with a pure solution of Mr. Muscles tile cleaner and wiped it off with a microfiber rug. I then finished it off with a vinegar solution and wiped it again to achieve a shiny surface.

Direction (the path)

As what Jan advised, the area that I should end with should be the sink . And so I began on the wall where the exhaust fan is attached. That way, going around our bathroom will make me end on our sink and counter. With that path in mind, I also began by cleaning from top to bottom. In general my path was counter clockwise from the exhaust fan wall following a top to bottom direction.

Frequency

I don`t know how many times in a year should I do BJ in the bathroom. Jan said that once or twice a year is okay. But then it will all depend on your tolerance for dirt. Needless to say, I`m very tolerant with it,  our bathroom walls have survived without general cleaning for six years! So I guess even once a year will do for me.

Now there is also the weekly and monthly maintenance which I am reserving for another blog post.

Ending

After three to four hours of cleaning and sweating, I already have a clean bathroom! So this is how our bathroom looks like with a newly-purchased plastic plants I bought from Anding`s.

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PS: I think putting a tree plant on our bathtub is kind of weird, but I just want to have a feel of nature while I`m taking a bath and while I`m doing my toilet work. :)

Anyway, mission accomplished for me!

The Measure of Motherhood

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Some moms measure their own motherhood by how well they perform the nanny duties. Making sure their kids are well groomed. Making sure the kids have eaten properly. Making sure the kids are always safe. I`m not downplaying these functions as they are very important. In reality though, you can pay and hire someone to do this for you. But you can never hire someone to give your child the affection and attention which can only be given by his/her mother. And that’s you.

Motherhood is more than fulfilling the child`s physical needs, because aside from this, the child also has emotional and psychological needs, which are often unknowingly neglected by other well-meaning mothers. Some would act as the best nanny in the world yet are hypercritical, disrespectful, and emotionally inattentive to their kids.

There are mothers who fuss about a child`s wound, but are completely unaware of the emotional wound they inflict on their child. The physical wound heals and its pain fades, but the emotional and psychological wound remain upto the child`s adulthood. Will your child harbor anger with you because you failed to dress him/her beautifully? Will your child resent you if he/she gets dirty? No. These will all be forgotten. But your child will remember, implicitly or explicitly, the times when you weren`t there when she needed you the most. She will remember the shame she felt whenever you shout and criticize her. She will remember the rejection whenever she comes to you for attention and affection and you’re busy and preoccupied. And all these memories will be imprinted on how she views herself, how she views other people, and even how she views God.

No, I would not measure my motherhood solely on filling my daughter`s physical needs, or even her intellectual needs, but also by how I fill her psycho-emotional and spiritual needs. I`m not perfect. But I will do my best with as much love and awareness that I can bring.

I`m lacking in Assertiveness

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Several months ago, I have observed that I have inner aggression. It was difficult to admit because it scared me. Howcome? When you talk to me in person, you would find me calm, warm, and friendly. Gee, I`m even aspiring to become a nurturing counselor, and yet I am aggressive. Before, I didn`t bother understanding this newly discovered, or acknowledged part of me. It is only this week, when my mother-in-law gave me her dose of unsolicited advice, that led me to understand my aggression.

When she told me to cut my daughter`s hair, I got really pissed off. The past events came flooding on me again. And I went back to my cycle of hating her over and over again. That I wish I was not associated with her. That never in my life I would think of her as a mother, because I don`t see her as one. Don`tell my husband, that I even called her a bitch in my mind. I know it is so disrespectful, which is a characteristic of aggression.

Anyway, the word bitch has struck a chord in my memory. Even that anger that`s simmering in me reminded me of that time. I remember, very long ago, I called someone a bitch. She was my math highschool teacher who kept on throwing negative comments on me. Since I couldn`t stand up for myself, I brewed with anger and secret aggression for her. I imagine pulling her hair and even screaming at her, saying things that would rip her heart open and bleeding. The same things I imagine doing with my mother-in-law. Not just with her, it also happened with our ministry leader, my classmates, and God knows who else. I soon realized that this has been my pattern of responding to people who I perceived as authoritarian, controlling, and demanding.

Now I understand what brought my inner aggressiveness, and it is my lack of assertiveness. Because I chose to be passive with seemingly imposing people, I would just go into my inner cave and secretly hate them.This is a strange realization to me because all my adult life, I thought I was assertive, that I could freely express myself. Maybe to some degree, I am. But when it comes to voicing out that I disagree with someone, or that I dislike what someone is doing to me, then I`m not assertive. It`s probably because I wanted to appear agreeable, to always be nice to people.

In my family of origin, however, is a different case. When I get fed up with any of our family members, which happens rarely (thank God), I have a tendency to raise my voice or to shout. This is an outburst of anger, an overt aggressiveness. I thought this is okay. That this is better than be passive and bury and harbor an angry feeling.

Now I learn that there is a better way than aggressiveness or passiveness. And that is assertiveness. The difference between the three is respect. Aggression disrespects others, passiveness disrespects yourself, while assertiveness respects both others and yourself. With assertiveness I could respectfully and confidently express myself whenever I am being put on the losing end. For example, when my mother-in-law told me to cut my daughter`s hair, I could say, “Oh, I wanted her hair to be long,” instead of staying silent and getting irritated like I always do whenever I`m being told on what to do with my daughter. Yet, however, that`s actually a minor incident. But it`s empowering to know that I could assert myself instead of resorting to being passive-aggressive. Because of this realization, the anger in me, brought by past events, slowly drained away. Now, I couId assert myself whenever I experience a challenging situation with people who I perceive as rigid and controlling. I know better now than to resort to passive-aggressiveness.

If you also need to learn how to be assertive in your personal relationships, in your work, or in any part of your life, you may want to read the book Assertiveness: How To Stand Up for Yourself and Still Win the Respect of Others by Judy Murphy. I bought a kindle copy from Amazon.

Your compliments and criticisms don`t define me

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In the dance of nature, one doesn`t normally say to a bee, “Oh, you`re an excellent bee for creating such sweet honey.” No, we don`t do that. The bee is just doing what it is created for. So compliment it or criticize it, it will not be budged. It will keep on doing what it is doing – to make honey.

In the same vein, if you tell me how a good mother, how a good wife, how a good counselor I am, I will just take it as a feedback to what I`m doing. Just like with a negative feedback, it is what it is — a feedback. Something to help me see if what I`m doing is effective or not, destructive or not, so I could change my approach. It doesn`t say something about me as a person. Because in the dance of nature, I am just doing what I am supposed to be doing – to be a mother, to be a wife, to be a counselor.

If I feel good about myself with your compliment or feel bad because of your criticism then I am identifying with my ego. I am not your compliment nor am I your criticism. I am more and deeper than that. This I have to remember.

I`m not saying that I will be frugal with my show of appreciation. I actually wanted to be a generous giver of genuine and heartfelt compliments. Yet how the receiver does with it, is no more my concern.

Letting go of my dream and attachment

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If God will tell me now to stop my master`s study, then I would do so at the drop of a hat. Or if my husband will tell me to stop because of the lack of budget, then I would do as he say. In fact, I could take his decision as one from God. Now, I`m willing to throw my dream, my attachment at God`s disposal. If this dream of mine is coming from my ego, then please please, may He do something for me to give it up.

It took me more than a year to realize how attached I am to being a psychotherapist and counselor, and how I identified myself to this dream that I am even thinking of changing my site (again) to something as momcounselor.com.  During the time when I was pouring sweat and blood on my studies, I`m really thinking of giving up. Besides, I could still counsel as a pastoral care giver even without a degree. So why subject myself to this kind of hardship? But I convinced myself that my skill and knowledge will be different, that this is for the good of those people whom I will be able to help in the future. And other than that, I thought to myself, what if people asked me why I had stopped or what if they tell me sayang naman. I couldn`t bare the thought of being a quitter when there`s no reason for me to do so. I`m not saying that those who discontinued their studies were quitters. Friends and acquaintances I know who quit realized along the way that it`s not for them, while still others were experiencing inner troubles. So for me I was thinking of quitting because I`m chickening out and it will kind of affect my own ego.

But as I was reading the book of Awareness by Anthony de Mello, a Jesuit priest, I realized my ego`s attachment. A few months of working on my attachment allowed me to psychologically and emotionally detach from my dream. When I am thinking of quitting, I again imagine people commenting, “nag-stop ka? Bakit? Sayang naman,” and then I would give my sweetest smile and say, “Oo nga eh,” offering no further explanation.

Anothony de Mello discussed in his book, Search God Everywhere, the three classes of people. The first class are those who strongly hold onto their attachment without any thought of God. The second class are those who hold their attachment and tell themselves that it`s for God and for other people, again without really discerning God`s will. And the third class are people who are psychologically detaching from their attachment, saying that, “if God wants me to give it up, I still have God.” And if God wants me to keep it, “I have God.”

I was one of the second class of people before until I realized the working of my ego. I was even using God to make me achieve my dream. And now, thanks be to God, I am willing to let go of my attachment for just a clear sign from Him. I can even let go of my dream of my being a marriage counselor if He wills so. Because to have Him in my life is more important than achieving my ego`s dream.

So where will this master`s of mine lead me to? I honestly don`t know. I have already stopped planning and plotting when I am going to finish it as there have been a change in my program. But I don`t care anymore. I will just flow.

I named my different subpersonalities

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Like many people, I have different subpersonalities in me. Those subpersonalities are identified with an emotion, attachment, traits, and disposition. There is the anxious me, angry me, thinker me, lazy me. I`m sure there are still other me`s, but I think those are my predominant traits.

Everyday of my life, there is at least one subpersonality/trait dominating in me, causing me to act or not to act in a certain way, or to think or not to think in a certain way. It was during last semester when I was taking a subject, which has full of ambiguous requirements, that I got tired of the anxious me. At the time, I was also reading Anthony de Mello`s book on Awareness, where he advised people to refrain from identifying our selves with our emotions. According to him, and as with other spirituality, the self and emotion are not one, they are not the same. And so it is here when I decided to name the anxious me, together with my other traits, to separate my Self from these traits.

My first subpersonality is Aniya. She is the anxious, worry-wart, pessimist part of me. She is the one who thinks ahead and is future oriented. She has a very low tolerance for ambiguity, thus making her want to control, inasmuch as she can, the future and or her surrounding. But her upside is that she can be very well prepared. She is the reason why I had a very wonderful lamaze childbirth, as she has been OC and well researched. To deal with Aniya is to acknowledge her presence, acknowledge her fears, and to tell her to give her best and leave the rest to God.

My second subpersonality is Intellihina. She`s the thinker, the reader, the seeker of truth. She`s the reason why I`m in graduate school. She`s also the one behind my marriage blog, Marriage Hour, and even behind this post. Intellihina is addicted to online forums, launching into heated discussions here and there. When she obsessively thinks, she forgets her other responsibilities. Most of all, she forgets her time with God. To deal with Aniya, is to acknowedge her, and provide a schedule or a time when she could think or write.

My third subpersonality is Lucinda. I named her after my mother`s name Lucita because I took my laziness after her, hehe. She is attached to convenience and comfort, my false gods. At her best she could pave the way for Intellihina to think and reflect productive thoughts. She is also in charge for my “me time,” as she loves to curl on the bed and bury her nose on her fiction novels. At her worst she could neglect house responsibilities, which is important for me as a homemaker. And of course, laziness is an unwanted attribute by the society.

Whenever I catch myself being either anxious, thinking or lazy, I would just say the name I assigned to this trait. I would acknowledge its presence in me and talk or counsel it like it`s my child. For example, when I catch myself starting to obsessively think again, I would say, “Hello there Intellihina, I know you want to think about her situation and find out the root of the problem. That`s actually helpful. Maybe you can do it later. For now, please focus on your daughter who is playing with you. For now, please live in the present.”

This technique is not my invention, I learned it from an ego psychology video I watched a few years back. The difference is that the “witness” or the “I” don`t talk with the other personality, like on my example above. Why do I need to talk to it? For me, it`s like dealing with a nagging or whining child. You either give in to her, and she will control you. Or you ignore her, and she won`t stop from whining and getting your attention.

So far, this technique has been helping me separate my real Self from my trait. However, there are times when I`m unaware of what`s happening in me, thus I identify with a certain trait or emotion and act unconsciously. But I can say, I`m slowly yet painfully improving with my awareness.

Now you might wonder why I`m fussing about this stuff. Perhaps because I`m getting attracted to walk a spiritual path, where awareness of my ego — my emotions, my thoughts, my attachments — are important. And another reason is that, it`s also liberating not to be a slave to my ego or to my different personalities. And lastly, every time I refuse to feed an attachment of my different subpersonalities is the time I can go nearer to union with God, who is my one true goal.