When he fell out of love

A wife wrote about her husband who told her that he has fallen out of love. He said that he still cares, but feels no spark anymore. This sentiment is not new to hear. I guess it’s being used by people who want an easy way out of the relationship.

Now I can’t help but wonder about this “falling out of love” thing. When the person you committed to for the rest of your life told you that he fell out of love with you, what does that mean? Does it suggest the end of your relationship?

Before I ponder on falling out of love, let’s first take a closer look on falling in love. Falling in love means you just “FALL” in love, like it happens by way of gravity. You didn’t do anything, it didn’t require you any effort — you just fall in love. I don’t need to explain it further, as you surely felt it at least once in your life.

But for your added information, falling in love also happens biologically, makingit feels like a work of nature. We have this “love hormone” in our brain called Phenylethylamine (PEA). When our brain releases this hormone, we experience things that people-in-love commonly feels — the heart palpitation, the can’t sleep through the night, and the spark, among others. 

The good news is that, we experience bliss at this stage, most especially when the feeling is mutual. The bad news is that, the “love hormone” only last for six months to three years. After that, you’re on your own in treading through your partner’s flaws — the ugly characteristics you overlooked when you were still in love. At this stage, it’s up to you whether you will stick to your partner or not.

Now, relationship experts keep on saying that true love begins the moment you fell out of love. That’s a little mind-boggling, right? But when you fall out of love — when you’re no longer under the “love hormone’s” influence — comes the stage when you deliberately choose to love your partner despite his or her unlovable traits and moods and ways.

It’s been always said that true love isn’t a noun, but a verb; it’s not a feeling, but a series of actions. As wives and moms, we don’t always have that ‘loving feeling’ towards our spouses and kids. Most of the time, our relationships with them are full of sacrifices and inconveniences. What with their irritating personality quirks and their needs that we should continually meet. Yet despite of these, there’s still the commitment to love and care for them. And if we’re being honest with ourselves, we’re not always lovable too, we’re filled with imperfections and issues. So true love is a choice, a decision you make everyday of your life. It requires effort, understanding, and acceptance.

I believe that, when your partner tells you that he fell out of love with you and wants out of the relationship, it means that he doesn’t want to level up his initial love into true love. He refuses to make anymore effort to accept you, understand you, be there for you. He no longer wants to work on the relationship. And this could really hurt.

But falling out of love doesn’t always lead to the end of a relationship. I guess everybody fall out of love. We become disillusioned with our partner’s flaws, that sometimes it gets tiring too. But they say that a succesful marriage requires falling in love a thousand times with one person. Yet that “falling in love” thing is not an act of gravity, it’s purposeful and effortful. It happens when couples regularly spend quality time with each other, do acts of service for each other, appreciate one another.

So when your partner tells you he has fallen out of love, don’t lose hope. Even if it hurts, explain to him that what he’s experiencing is normal. Have an open communication as to why he’s no longer interested to work on the marriage. Also be open at what he’s going to tell you.

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  1. Cristino says

    Your beautiful article inspired me to share a few of my own thoughts.

    We can say that a relationship begins once emotional love blossoms. If we compare a relation ship to a painting, emotional love is the color, lines, texture and all those attributes that give the painting its beauty and appeal, and such an immense power to hold two people so tightly together. But for a painting to exist it has to be put on a canvass or else it will just be an imagination. There must be a canvass to hold it together.

    And so it is with a relationship, there must be something to hold the emotional love together or else it will disappear into the thin air – and this is the intellectual love. It is the intellectual love that gathers all the reasons, all the principles and all matters of faith that would eventually lead into a commitment, a commitment to make it last, to finally stop wandering and be at home with love.

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